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Jokes 2 Jokes 3 Jokes 4 Jokes 5 Jokes 6 Jokes 7
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A women that won't do as she's told
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers go away
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women
He died laughing before he could tell anybody
Why did God make man first?
He didn't ant a woman looking over his shoulder
What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit in there dark and moan
Losing a wife can be hard.
In my case it was damn near impossible.
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Why do woman get married in white?
So they'll match the household appliances.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage
They have experienced pain and bough jewellery.
A man noticed his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less than his wife.
What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once.
How do you know when the honeymoon is over?
When you ring home to say you'll be late for dinner and the answermachine tell you its in the microwave
Why do women have slight speech impediments
Every so often they have to stop and take a breath
Why did God Create Eve?
To iron Adam's leaf
Why is a laundrette a bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able
to support you
Why do women have small feet?
So they can closer to the cooker.
Mummy, what happens when a car gets too old and rusty to work?
Someone sells it to your father
How many men does it take to change a loo roll?
We don't know, it's never happened.
How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
What's is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer
Wife: Where do you want to go on holiday this year?
Husband: Somewhere I've never been before.
Wife: How about the Kitchen?
Why does a man have a clean conscience?
Because its never used.
What's the difference between a man and a yoghurt?
A yoghurt has culture
What do you call a man who supports a woman's career, helps prepare dinner,
bathes the children and earns a Six-figure income the children and earns a Six-figure income?
Darling
What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit footbal stadium.
What did the experts of the Nineties discover that could do the work of ten men?
A women.
What has an IQ of seven?
Eight men
What's the difference between man and batteries?
Batteries have a positive side.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes
Both of them
What's the difference between a man & ET?
ET phoned home.
How do men exercise at the beach
Suck their stomach in every timed they see a bikini.
How do you make a man happy?
Who cares?
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'd-dd ll-like a bb-beer." The bartender says "Whoa, that's a bad stuttering problem you have there. I used to have the same problem, but my wife gave me head for 2 hours and now i'm cured; you should try it."
The same guy comes back 2 weeks later and says to the bartender "I'd-dd ll-ike a bb-beer." The bartender says "It didnt work, did it?" and the man says to him "Nn-no, b-bbut nn-nice hh-house."
When Monica Lewinsky turned over her dress to the FBI for DNA testing, they found a wad of bills.
A captain is assigned to a new Foreign Legion post in the middle of nowhere. On touring the post, some of the men lead him through the stables, where they show him an old, sway-backed mule. The men tell him that this is what they do for sex. The captain thinks to himself 'nope------I'll NEVER be THAT horny!' and dismisses the whole thought. Several months later, however, he's beginning to have doubts, and a few months after that, he finds himself walking to the stables with an erectiion. He mounts the mule and is enjoying himself when one of the men walks into the stables. Somewhat embarrassed, the captain asks the man 'well----is this how you men do it?, and the man replies 'why, no sir. Actually the men saddle her up and ride into town and find some women!'
Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old."
The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation. "But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"
"I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears.
"How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!! "
"Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your operation."
Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger ,"And who sent those?"
"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".
Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a
gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A
man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow
milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her
left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left
with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and
kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the
right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I
got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the
bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in.
The lady with a problem with her dog goes to the vet. "Can you do sometning about my dog, he's always trying to mount me" The vet answers, "Do you want me to neuter him?" "No" she replies "just trim his nails"
Advice to Northerners Moving South..
1.) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
2.) If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4.) If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them-Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5.) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6.) Whatever you do, make sure that you don't buy food at the movie store!
7.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
8.) Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9.) In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have Mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
10.) Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11.) In an effort to match their speech pattern, Southerners also walk slower.
12.) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Most Northerners begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression.
14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember all southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on, the tent is torn down and the empties are picked up.
17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words either that he will ever say or, worse still, that you will ever hear!
18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19.) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22.) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your house. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
23.) In the South, tornadoes and divorces have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24.) Florida is not considered a southern state since there are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25.) Be advised that in the South: "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes
A guy in a mask burst into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the goddamn safe" he yells at the girl behind the
counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have
any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue!!, open the goddamn safe or I'll blow your
head off!" says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy
says, "Now take out one of the bottles and drink it!!"
"But it's full of semen!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue!!, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl's
amazement it's her husband.
"There!!", he says, "its not that fucking difficult is it!?!"
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