The son asks his father "What are those two dogs doing Dad ?" Quite embarrassed the father

      answers "Uh, that dog hurt his leg and the other dog is helping him get home by carrying him on

      his back". The son says "That's life for ya, you try to help out a friend and you end up getting

                                     fucked !"

      Three nuns died in a car accident and they went to the golden gate. The guy at the gate said

       before you nuns can enter heaven I have to ask you each a question so you can get in. The

      first nuns question was. Who was the first man on earth? She replied Adam the gates opened

      and the nun went in. He asked the second nun who was the first woman on earth and she said

      Eve the gates open and the nun went in. He asked the last nun. What was the first thing Eve

       said to Adam? The nun paused an said Gee that's a hard one. The gate opened and the nun

                                      went in.

        A nervous newlywed husband is trying to prepare his wife for their first night as man and

      wife.He pulls his pants down and takes his dick in his hand and says "Honey,this is a cock,it

      will go into your vagina when we make love" His wife,blushing and giggling says "Dear, that is

                 not a cock,that is a penis." " A cock is black and much bigger"

      An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in

                                   the bedroom.

      As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on

        the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in

      years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along

                    with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

     "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just

                        told me he thinks you have a really nice ass."

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10.Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11.Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12.Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13.Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14.Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with you hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15.Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16.Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17.Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18.Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19.Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

                Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman with a yeast infection?

                              A: A whopper with cheese.

                             There were two fish in a tank !

                               One said to the other one

                          "How do you drive this fucking thing !!!

      A man goes into the doctor's examination room. When the physician finally enters he instructs

      the man to remove his hat. When the gentleman complies, the doctor is stunned to find a huge

                     bullfrog apparently growing from the man's forehead.

                   "My God," the sawbones cried, "How did this happen?"

         "I don't know, Doc," the frog calmly replied, "but it started out as a wart on my ass !"

                   3 men were talking about their favored sexual positions.

               The first one said, "I like to be on top, it gives me a sense of power".

          The second says, "I like to be on the bottom, I can then see and play with her tits."

       The third one says, "I like to have some excitement in my life, so I like to have a RODEO

                                      fuck."

                       The other two asked "What's a Rodeo Fuck?"

      "Well, you grab your woman, bend her over and go for it from behind, making sure you have

       a firm hold on her. Then when you see she's enjoying it, you say to her - You know, this is

           exactly how your sister likes to get it too, Then try and hold on for 8 seconds".

        A very beautiful girl goes to the OBGYN one day for her first check up. She gets in the

     stirrups as the Doctor walks in. Noticing that the young lady was a little worried he asked her if

      there were any questions she might have, upon this she said is it going to hurt and he replied

      yes but I can num it for you if you want me to ?Upon hearing this she said yes and the doctor

            ramed his head between her legs and said num num num num num num num

       For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park,

       until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he

      announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to

      life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands,

       the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon

        dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and

                                 shaking of branches.

        Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

               "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

      Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only

                  this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

      A young good looking young man is having problems - he just cannot get an erection, so he

                                 goes to the doctor.

      The doctor examines him and says - "Well, I do have a temporary cure for this but it is only

                                    temporary."

       The young man has a date that evening and has not "had it" for a year so he tells the doctor

                         that he will partake of this temporary cure.

       "It's an injection," says the doctor "but is only works three times. Trousers down and bend

                                      over."

      The injection is given and the doctor says "Unfortunately I will have to use up one of the three

                            times to show you how it works."

                                 "OK" says our hero.

                 "To make it go up," says the doctor, "you just go 'Beep Beep'"

                          WHAM. Instant erection. A monster!

              "To make it go down, same thing, you go 'Beep Beep'" says the doctor.

                                  Instant deflation.

        "Right, you have two more erections and I cannot give you any more injections as they

                          become dangerous with repeated use."

      The young man is delighted and starts thinking about his date that evening. He decides to take

           a bus home rather than walk but unfortunately the bus ends up in a traffic jam.

        Eventually people are getting pissed off and the bus driver sounds his horn 'Beep Beep'.

       Instant erection - much to our heroes' dismay and embarrassment. He ignores it as long as

               possible but people are looking at him with uninhibited amusement.

      He eventually gives up and as the bus starts moving whispers 'Beep Beep' - instant deflation.

                         One left. He plans a really good evening.

       He takes his lady to the theater and a fine restaurant where they enjoy a romantic candlelit

                meal. After he invites her back to is place and they end up in bed.

      After an age of foreplay, he can stand the suspense no more, she is also ready and panting for

                                        it.

                        'Beep Beep' he whispers. Instant erection.

                       "What's all this 'Beep Beep' then?" she says.....

       There were three generations of prostitutes, a grandmother, a mother, and a daughter. The

       daughter walks into the house slamming the door behind her and says all pissed off "I can't

      believe this, I just got ten bucks for a blow job!" The mother says "That's nothing, when I was

      younger we were lucky if we got five." The grandmother waves a hand dismissing the two and

        says "Well, back in my day we were lucky just to get something warm in our stomachs."

              man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00,

             they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to

                          give the man more pleasure during sex.

             After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.

               After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the

                   reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

                Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.

             After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to

                keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

                  So this mountain man type guy comes down out of the hills

                     to cash in the gold he's panned and get himself a little

                    pussy. After getting his money, he heads straight to the

                                 closest whore house.

                    Inside he says to the madame, "Send me up a bottle of

                   beer, a box of matches and the roughest, toughest whore

                  that you got. I'm awful horny and I want a woman who can

                                    handle me."

                     Fifteen minutes later, there is a knock at the door to

                    his room and in walks a pretty young girl with a box of

                             matches and a bottle of beer.

                     "If you don't mind," said the mountain man. "I'd like

                    to administer a little test to make sure you're rough and

                     tough enough. Drop your knickers and bend over."

                    She does as she's told and he takes one of the matches

                    out of the box and attempts to strike it on her bare ass.

                      It doesn't light, so he tells her to get out and to tell

                    the Madame to send up a real rough and tough whore.

                     This scene is carried out repeatedly until the Madame

                    discovers that she has run out of whore's. Knowing that

                    she must make the customer happy, she goes up herself

                              to satisfy the mountain man.

                   Like the others, she drops drawers and bends over when

                     she is told. He rakes the match across her ass and it

                                  burst into flames.

                   "Now, that's more like it!" says the mountain man happily.

                    Then he notices that the Madame is still bending over.

                            "You can stand up now." he said.

                  "Well, don't you want to open the beer?" says the Madame.

              It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister

            Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun

              had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr.

             John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and

           pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday

                                 night bath had gone.

                  "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

              "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

        "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was

       washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the

                                  Key to Heaven."

                          "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

       Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the

       portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal

              peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

                      "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

       "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that

       the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being

                                      saved."

       "That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been

                               blowing it for 40 years!"